A couple of days ago, I was struggling again about a “sin/bad habbit” I thought I already overcome. It knocked on my head again. I tried to rebuke and stop myself but I failed to do so. I knew in my heart that its wrong and i should never ever do it again. But sad to say, I wasn’t able to escape.
I ask myself, “what’s wrong with you?”, “why you did it again?”, “How many times should you remind yourself to never fall into that sin again?”
Alone in my room, I kept on asking myself those questions. I can’t sleep. My heart became heavy. I just wanted to disappear. No peace. Night of regrets. I hate sin.
Again, I disappoint the Lord. I made Him very very sad because of my sins. I know I hurt Him more than the hurt i felt for myself for sinning again. “Is God willing to forgive me again?and again?”, i asked myself.
Few months ago, I asked the Lord for forgiveness and promised Him to never indulge myself into that kind of sin again. I know I already overcome it because I believe in God’s forgiveness. I know He renewed me again. I know He poured out His mercy and grace upon me.
I learned to forget about it and made myself busy with work. Then suddenly, in a most unexpected day, it knocked me again and i fell into it. What a mess.
That night I knew I needed to immediately ask God for forgiveness. I wanted to talk to Him and say “I am very sorry my Lord, please help me.” But on the other side of my mind, its telling me, “here you go again, you will sin and then you will ask God for forgiveness. Don’t you remember you promised Him you will never do it again. You’re not worthy to come near him and then do the same old sin again.”
It was battling in my head and I can’t help but burst into tears. I know I’m not worthy to call on the Lord. I know He is a forgiving God but He is also a just God. But there’s no other way to escape and overcome a sin aside from coming near to God and asking for His forgiveness.
After few minutes of crying out to God, He led me to open the Bible and read Psalm 103. And these verses deeply struck my heart.
“The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever; He does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities.” Psalm 103:8-10
“Who am I Lord? that you are always gracious and merciful to me?” I was speechless for a moment. I couldn’t contain how compassionate and abounding in love is the Lord. I failed Him a thousand times but He never failed to amaze me through His Word.
What can I say? I feel unworthy yet blessed because of the Lord’s goodness. I’m a great sinner but I have a great God who’s willing to forgive my sins and willing to give me another chance. I know that night, I received His forgiveness. But I’m not also forgetting that He is a just God. That every sin we did there’s a consequence. My prayer that night was that God would spare me from the conquences of sins. I don’t know if God will do it for me but I’m still hoping He will.
From now on , I will bury all those sins in deepest oceans where it will never bother me again. I must be filled with God’s holiness and righteousness and always seek satisfaction in His loving arms.
“Lord, You are indeed my savior. Thank you for saving me from the pit of my sins. I couldn’t thank you enough for giving me hopes and encouragements. Help me to always obey you and your Word.”
“For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is Hi love for those who fear Him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us.” Psalm 103:11-12